HeartGnosis











{June 19, 2007}   I Got a Present!!

Okay, after a little lag and a busy couple of days, I’m back! My generous friend has given me a gift and it’s a killer one!

http://www.heartgnosis.com 

I’ve got my own dot com! That’s right, from now on that’s where I’ll be doing exactly what I’ve been doing here! He liked what he read and decided to help out by getting me hosting and all that shizz, so please visit me there because all NEW posts will be made there.

We got a post on the way as soon as this one goes up, so be sure and visit!



{June 17, 2007}   Father’s Day Link…

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Cause I refuse to talk about mine

(but he could kick your dad’s ass) ;-)



{June 17, 2007}   Hot or Not Chat #1

So I got a double-match on Hot or Not a couple days ago and I wrote to her. Then we exchanged screenames and started chatting last night. We’ll call her “Jenna” and she’s in her early 20′s, fresh out of college with a degree in music. She’s also new to the city I live in.

Unlike lots of people I’ve chatted with recently, Jenna can hold a decent conversation with a level of intelligence. We started off basically introducing ourselves, but (and this is typical) she was talking to several people at once whereas I was not. A touch annoying, but understandable, also. Turns out she’s looking to date casually because she recently got out of an intense two year relationship and hasn’t dated much so far in her life.

Jenna’s on the geekier side, which I can appreciate. We talked about Magic: the Gathering, a card game. She doesn’t own any cards but hinted that she’d like to find someone to play with since she knows how. Then we got into my living situation. Right now I have four roommates, two of whom are female and close to my age. In fact, I share a room with a very close friend of mine who happens to be a girl.

Obviously, that made me look like a creep so I tried explaining that it’s not a sexual or romantic thing. Sure, right? Well, it’s not we’re best friends and that’s that. In order to give her some perspective I went on to explain that my roomie helps me do things I can’t due to my disability. That made some sense to her. Then she offered up a question she considered creepy.

“Even though you’re somewhat paralyzed can you still have sex?”

What the hell?? I never mentioned being paralyzed. This is a frequent assumption people make. It doesn’t irritate me, but I do find it odd. I don’t assume people with very dark skin are from Africa, they might be from the Caribbean or Polynesia or Europe for all I know. But if you say “in a wheelchair” people automatically assume paralysis. I explained that I’m quite capable of sex, I just do it differently.

It doesn’t look to me that Jenna’s anything too up my alley. She likes bands like I don’t know too much about, but she’s still lots of fun. We’ll see where it goes and I’ll keep ya’ll updated, too. That’s about it for this post but there’s lots of today left to go…



{June 16, 2007}   Sucker or Fool? Some of both?

Back in 2004 I’d been really into living it up slacker-style. I won’t go into too much detail, basically all I did was write poetry and emulate the Beat Generation. Or maybe the Grateful Dead clique. Ya dig?

At that time Yahoo had chat rooms. Not the standard bull they’ve got going now, but ones you could make yourself about any topic you wanted to. Admittedly, this lead to lots of “Horny guys 4 Webcam Girls” type rooms, but there were others. Rooms about lots of miniscule subcultures. The times were good and I met bunches of interesting people. Ok, women, I mean.

I’ve never been picky about who I’ll at least attempt to talk to. From time to time I’ll even talk with guys (not sexually) but that generally never works. I’ve heard from girls I know that they can’t seem to talk to girls online, so maybe that’s just how chatting goes. I digress.

I met this interesting woman in her 30′s who I’ll call “Tanya”. She had tattoos, listened to music I liked and dug my poetry. We talked frequently because I stayed up until random hours due to boredom. She had a webcam and though I never asked to see it (I almost never do, as a rule) she’d ask me to watch it. I didn’t refuse.

After a while we got into the more sexual topics which I’m pretty good at interjecting and though we didn’t do any full fledge cybering, we certainly bored on it – including her flashing me plenty. Pierced nipples, you see. Pretty good set-up for a horny guy bored out of his mind and uh… focusing on poetry production.

Tanya and I didn’t have real in depth conversations because she smoked lots of ganja. On the webcam, even. That went on for a year and I’d go for a while not feeling like chatting and always come back out of boredom eventually. She really didn’t care about the poetry, but she stuck around kept chatting. We’d talk music, how our days went, she’d display her nipples and that was about it.

This winter, around Christmas time she ramped things up. She wanted to talk on the phone. So we did and I got to hear that interesting Midwestern accent, the flat A’s and all. Talks didn’t do much for me. Generally she’d be drunk and/or high. Mind you, she kept a full time job and was married, too, even though the husband and she slept in different rooms.

Tanya’s husband she always called “the old man” and I’ve seen the dude on the webcam. His arms, atleast – all tattoo’d. A drunk, she came to telling me. Had 3 kids, too. Youngest is 14 and quite handy at making blunts. Tanya, being a former punk-rocker chick wanted them to have freedom. Besides, if mom gets high/drunk/has constant phonesex then what do the kids have to uphold standards-wise right?

Here’s the thing I fell into: I began to feel sorry for her. When you’re in a situation like mine, it can be easy to feel sympathy/empathy for those who have things bad. Almost makes your own problems look miniscule. I always had hope, Tanya’s got none. Her kids are out of control, disrespectful. Here’s an example tale, to give you an idea.

One night I watched her plow through a bottle of wine over the webcam. She’d been upset over some things (normal) and also I’d contributed to the problem (I’ll hit this side story later, especially if someone reminds me). I could almost smell a sense of fear coming from her – fear that she wasn’t as attractive to males as she used to be. Lots of hints from her regarding this, complimenting me and all that sort of thing.

One thing lead to another and…. well, okay basically she kept saying she wanted to have phonesex. Over and over and extremely directly. Most of the time I don’t exactly need to be sweet talked, but this just got awkward. I couldn’t see a way out of it (since I’d dodged it a few times in the past) without depressing the hell out of her so I agreed.

Her son ended up being in her room so she told him and his friend to get out. They balked so she said she’d buy them a bag if they left her alone. They started to leave (TV’s in her room, you see) but were going slowly so she said “Get out of here, you don’t need to see your mom masturbate”. I almost hung up. I probably should have. Instead, I said what she wanted to hear, loud enough so she could hear me over her vibrator. It created the intended effect, the conversation died and she let me hang up politely.

Bear in mind this woman isn’t unattractive, in the face or body-wise. So the whole situation killed any libido I might’ve been able to muster and left me feeling weird, not to mention troubled at the idea of their family situation. The internet lets you meet lots of people and see into their world. Tanya lives in a world I never want to be stuck in.

So why in the hell am I answering her instant messages tonight? Old times’ sake, I guess.

Oh and in case you’re feeling like chewing me out for acting like a prick or taking advantage of her or any of that? Don’t worry, a female friend of mine already took care of that duty for you. ;-)



{June 15, 2007}   Hot or Not? The Saga Begins!

So I decided, upon hearing the outrageous fortune that a female friend of mine had on Hot or Not, to sign up for the site. I generally loathe this kind of thing, it goes against alot of my so-called values about judging people. So I don’t rate pictures I just pretty much say yes to meeting most any girl the site shows me.

Surprisingly, my real actual photo taken when I was sick as hell and totally washed-out looking is now rated a proud 6! That’s out of 10, mind you. I’m thoroughly pleased and even better? Yep, I got double-matches which means someone wants me meet me based off my pics and little profile blurb.

I added a couple girls to my instant messenger thingie and will tell more about that as things develop. Since I don’t want to pay for Yahoo Personals (it’s like $25 a month!) and OkCupid only netted me a busy chick in her 30′s, I’m stuck with free sites like Hot or Not.

When I *do* get some more cash I’ll sign up for more sites because part of my journey here will be reporting how my dating adventures go. After all, to find true love you kinda gotta go hunting around for it, right? I’ve got several sites in mind and I’m open to suggestions if anyone cares to tell ‘em to me.

Oh, final note: I drew a lil sketch of my favorite thing to draw, the female form. I’m by NO means the world’s best sketcher and I’m rusty since the last time I practice sketching was years ago, but I’m trying to start up again. Recently I’ve been painting more than anything, but even that’s been sporadic. So, yeah, I’ll post my little sketch up as soon as I scan in it and allow it to be subjected to public ridicule. lol

Why not? Time & effort only improve your skills, right?



{June 15, 2007}   Got Emo?

So I was google searching for “emo guys” for a friend of mine to look at hairstyles or whatever. I see lots of dudes who look like this at the mall. Or maybe they’re girls, it’s sometimes difficult to tell. In all fairness they do look interesting and not too far off the whole goth look which I favor from time to time.

I dig just about any subculture and where I am the emo-ish kids seem to like mixing goth/metal and hiphop. They’ve got tight little t-shirt with bands, low-riding jeans that can be tight or baggy, shaggy ragged cut hair, eyeliner, 2pac-style bandanas and in many cases ice (or bling if you prefer). Oh, and belt buckles appear to be important.

I can’t afford to dress emo or anything and I found this link:

http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com/forum/lofiversion/index.php/t83621.html

Now, while this is funny stuff cuz it’s stereotyping people I try to keep in mind that for one, most people mocking the emo thang are either too poor to participate or too old to remember being cool. I think it does highlight something interesting, though. Lots of times guys pretend to be what they aren’t to get female attention while the girls pretend to want something they don’t in a guy. Pretty viscious circle and I’ve gotten caught up in it.

If I had a point to this I’m sorry, but I’ve lost it. You can stop reading now.

Preci8 u I-ballin’ this one :-D



{June 14, 2007}   An Ideal Girl

Busy, busy, busy today. Got out into the city to take care of some things. Mainly government oriented stuff – real fun!

As always, I used the opportunity to do some people watching. It’s interesting to see what everyone’s wearing and how they act. I didn’t see any drop-dead-oh-I-must-meet-her girls, but I saw a mildly hot mother of (atleast) two who had dyed red streaks in her dark hair. Oddly enough her kids both had colored hair, also. One green, the other blue. Looked like the old skool punk Kool-Aid dye.

That got me to thinking about the “ideal girl” concept. I mean, the point of this blog is recording my quest for a life mate. Sounds simple enough? It ain’t.

See, I don’t have an ideal girl in my mind. Alot of girls sure seem to have a very set “ideal guy” in their head, from what they’ve told me. A Mr. Right, if you will. Tall with blue eyes and jock-style temperment or whatever. Most of the guys I know aren’t quite that specific but they prefer blondes or skinny girls, etc. Me? I’ve no kind of standards like that.

I guess I’m one of those people who can find the good in just about anyone, with a few exceptions. Loud, brassy girls can be lots of fun to be around, but so can the shy & quiet types. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, raven hair – all that’s attractive to me if done right. Same with body types (again, a few exceptions here but nothing drastic).

I think my main factor is intimacy level. More than anything, I like comfortable girls. I don’t mean relaxed or mellow as much as I mean snuggly and affectionate (whether privately or publicly). Stand-offishness isn’t attractive after you’ve hung out for a while. Too much formality makes things unneccessarily awkard.

So that’s my little blurb for today: I want a snuggly girl!

How the hell I find that, I’m still not sure.

Oh, and as a PS – Leeza’s decided to chat me. I’ll have to post more on her amazing ability to bore me out of my skull and why I keep tolerating it when I know it robs me of a right to complain.

Good thing I don’t need “rights” to complain, huh? ;-)



{June 13, 2007}   Ritual of the Idiochick

Ok, so here’s my first real post. I didn’t plan on having any drama to post today but I got a little.

First, a brief introduction. I used to drink alot. What I mean by alot is every single day for six to ten hours or whenever I passed out. Not good for me, I know and surely hell on my wonderful roommate at the time. The word depressed doesn’t scratch the surface of what I was going through.

At the time I’d been drinking steadily at the rate I mentioned above for two months solid. I’d tried dating and had a few idiotic flingy kind of things that were long distance. I’d gotten a webcam and was hanging out on Yahoo’s chatrooms once in a blue moon. I’d never shown anyone my webcam except for an ex I refuse to discuss right now.

So along comes “Leeza” from the Deep South and she’s got a webcam, too! Now, for those guys out there (and maybe the ladies?) lots of people who like to be on the webcam are.. how to say? Less than attractive. This Leeza, though: 5’7″, thin as hell, long gorgeous curly brunette hair and a huge, radiant smile. Seemed like a sweetheart, too!

So, I thought hey I made a cool friend. I mean, at the time I met her she had a boyfriend so this was friends-only chatting. Then that boyfriend moved to another city and didn’t tell her! And to top all this off she was late on her period and absolutely sure she’d gotten pregnant.

Then came the period about a week later and Halleleujah! no babies on the way. So I’d gotten real into her and then we talked on the phone and wouldn’t you know that damned Southern accent got me! We talked alot, but always late after her cell time was free since I couldn’t afford a cell at the time.

The things this girl told me are nuts and I’ll get into lots more of it later, but here’s the thing: why do the Idiochicks think people will buy the same lies over and over? Today she tells me she’s cheated on her boyfriend and until today has been terrified she’d gotten pregnant from the fling. Right. Just like the last, oh, six or eight times you’ve told me this in the past year? Get real..

And speaking of getting, I gotta get my ass in bed for an early morning wake-up.

As she’d say … ya’ll take care! lol



{June 13, 2007}   And so it begins…

Last night, around midnight I lay in bed. I felt like dying might not be so bad after all.

 I’m not the type of person who believes in suicide. I’m not the type to give up.

 I needed a solution.

 Here it is….

 More coming soon, stay tuned!



et cetera
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