HeartGnosis











{June 16, 2007}   Sucker or Fool? Some of both?

Back in 2004 I’d been really into living it up slacker-style. I won’t go into too much detail, basically all I did was write poetry and emulate the Beat Generation. Or maybe the Grateful Dead clique. Ya dig?

At that time Yahoo had chat rooms. Not the standard bull they’ve got going now, but ones you could make yourself about any topic you wanted to. Admittedly, this lead to lots of “Horny guys 4 Webcam Girls” type rooms, but there were others. Rooms about lots of miniscule subcultures. The times were good and I met bunches of interesting people. Ok, women, I mean.

I’ve never been picky about who I’ll at least attempt to talk to. From time to time I’ll even talk with guys (not sexually) but that generally never works. I’ve heard from girls I know that they can’t seem to talk to girls online, so maybe that’s just how chatting goes. I digress.

I met this interesting woman in her 30’s who I’ll call “Tanya”. She had tattoos, listened to music I liked and dug my poetry. We talked frequently because I stayed up until random hours due to boredom. She had a webcam and though I never asked to see it (I almost never do, as a rule) she’d ask me to watch it. I didn’t refuse.

After a while we got into the more sexual topics which I’m pretty good at interjecting and though we didn’t do any full fledge cybering, we certainly bored on it – including her flashing me plenty. Pierced nipples, you see. Pretty good set-up for a horny guy bored out of his mind and uh… focusing on poetry production.

Tanya and I didn’t have real in depth conversations because she smoked lots of ganja. On the webcam, even. That went on for a year and I’d go for a while not feeling like chatting and always come back out of boredom eventually. She really didn’t care about the poetry, but she stuck around kept chatting. We’d talk music, how our days went, she’d display her nipples and that was about it.

This winter, around Christmas time she ramped things up. She wanted to talk on the phone. So we did and I got to hear that interesting Midwestern accent, the flat A’s and all. Talks didn’t do much for me. Generally she’d be drunk and/or high. Mind you, she kept a full time job and was married, too, even though the husband and she slept in different rooms.

Tanya’s husband she always called “the old man” and I’ve seen the dude on the webcam. His arms, atleast – all tattoo’d. A drunk, she came to telling me. Had 3 kids, too. Youngest is 14 and quite handy at making blunts. Tanya, being a former punk-rocker chick wanted them to have freedom. Besides, if mom gets high/drunk/has constant phonesex then what do the kids have to uphold standards-wise right?

Here’s the thing I fell into: I began to feel sorry for her. When you’re in a situation like mine, it can be easy to feel sympathy/empathy for those who have things bad. Almost makes your own problems look miniscule. I always had hope, Tanya’s got none. Her kids are out of control, disrespectful. Here’s an example tale, to give you an idea.

One night I watched her plow through a bottle of wine over the webcam. She’d been upset over some things (normal) and also I’d contributed to the problem (I’ll hit this side story later, especially if someone reminds me). I could almost smell a sense of fear coming from her – fear that she wasn’t as attractive to males as she used to be. Lots of hints from her regarding this, complimenting me and all that sort of thing.

One thing lead to another and…. well, okay basically she kept saying she wanted to have phonesex. Over and over and extremely directly. Most of the time I don’t exactly need to be sweet talked, but this just got awkward. I couldn’t see a way out of it (since I’d dodged it a few times in the past) without depressing the hell out of her so I agreed.

Her son ended up being in her room so she told him and his friend to get out. They balked so she said she’d buy them a bag if they left her alone. They started to leave (TV’s in her room, you see) but were going slowly so she said “Get out of here, you don’t need to see your mom masturbate”. I almost hung up. I probably should have. Instead, I said what she wanted to hear, loud enough so she could hear me over her vibrator. It created the intended effect, the conversation died and she let me hang up politely.

Bear in mind this woman isn’t unattractive, in the face or body-wise. So the whole situation killed any libido I might’ve been able to muster and left me feeling weird, not to mention troubled at the idea of their family situation. The internet lets you meet lots of people and see into their world. Tanya lives in a world I never want to be stuck in.

So why in the hell am I answering her instant messages tonight? Old times’ sake, I guess.

Oh and in case you’re feeling like chewing me out for acting like a prick or taking advantage of her or any of that? Don’t worry, a female friend of mine already took care of that duty for you. 😉

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